Sacred Romance 3: From Rocky to Solid Relationship

From Rocky to Solid Relationship
Song of Songs 5:2-6:13
vacMidway – 5/7/06 – Bumble


{INTRO: THE SIX MOST DESTRUCTIVE WORDS TO RELATIONSHIP}
We are in the middle of the series “Sacred Romance”, a study on Song of Solomon. Last week we ended with the pictured-perfect royal wedding. Indeed, if this had been a fairy tale, it would have ended after chapter 5, verse 1 [where the blessing was pronounced], “Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers!” The violins would play, the curtain would drop and the final words would say, “And they lived happily ever after.” But that’s not what we have here. You know why? I think it’s very likely that “And they lived happily ever after” are perhaps the six most destructive words for real romance, for genuine love, for happy marriages.
Since childhood we have all grown up expecting that someday regardless of our problems, situations, or backgrounds we would get married to Mr. or Miss “Right” and would go off into the sunset, leaving all of our past issues, family background problems, insecurities and brokenness behind to “live happily ever after.” Psychologists call this the Cinderella Syndrome.
With the exception perhaps of Shrek 2, we rarely have seen the rest of the story, the ups-and-downs, the ins-and-outs, the deep-pain-and-the-deeper-bliss that comes through a lifetime of love. And so, when pain hits, when problems come, when disappointment occurs and when the ordinary obstacles of real life occurs, we are unprepared for what it takes for love to last a life time, for passion to be permanent, for pleasure and promises to both endure.[i]

{1. ROCKY RELATIONSHIP: EVERYONE HAS THEM! (5:2-6)}
It is important for us to realize that even in the ideal relationship portrayed in Song of Songs, they did not “live happily ever after”. We don’t know how long it had passed since the wedding, but a conflict of the couple was described as follow:

2 I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.”3 I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?4 My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening[ii]; my heart began to pound for him.5 I arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh [perfume], on the handles of the lock.6 I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure.
I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.

What is this all about? It might be another dream[iii] but I prefer to think that it was real because in dream we won’t recognize that “I slept”, she also said that “my heart was awake” indicating she’s not soundly asleep yet[iv]. Besides, there’s just way more interactions in this part to make it a dream (compared to Chapter 3).


{1A. POSSIBLE CAUSES (v. 2-3 OR 4)}
So, they had marital problems and it’s not a small one. But what were the probable causes?

It could be a problem of him working too much – May be Solomon was late again from the King’s court? It is bedtime and he’s still not home yet, so she went to bed without him. Work could be a cause of conflict in the home. Men have stronger ambitions for work than women; it’s part of the curse (see Genesis 3:15-16). If you don’t understand that, work will interfere with your relationship.

Early in my career, when Jenney and I were still dating, there was a period that I was working on a project seven days a week for about a few months straight. Worse, work consumed me so much that even when Jenney was showing up at my work to have lunch together, I scolded her that she wasted my time for work. She dumped me within a few weeks after that. Luckily things turned around as you can see (we are still both here). Even though I have changed my way to win back her heart, today work is still the number one interfering factor in our relationship. In fact, whenever I got work up over a sermon, it made us miserable because I am so preoccupied with the preparation.

The problem could be his workaholic habit. Or it could be a problem on the girl’s part – of selfishness, laziness, or indifference or apathy[v] – if we took her excuse seriously: “I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?” That’s a weak-sauce excuse!

So the problem could be her instead of his. Or it might not even be anyone’s fault at all – Some people see the trace of “myrrh [perfume] on the handles of the lock” in v.4, and Solomon’s sweet-talk in v.2, as his preparation to get in bed with his wife. And her refusal is the modern equivalence of “I have a headache"[vi]. Male and female have different sexual rhythms.

During a pre-marital counseling session, the counselor asked them, “Have you guys talk about how often you would like to make love?” The girl answered, “May be a couple times a week.” At that the guy jumped, “A couple times a week? I was hoping for a couple times a day!” [vii] What a big gap in expectations. However that big gap doesn’t make someone right or wrong necessarily. It just means that there is a lot of navigation that has to go on, and compromise, and talking, {and study 1 Cor. 7:3-5 together}[viii].

Les Parrot believe that relationship goes from 1) “Fusion” (when lovers thought that they are made for each others) into 2) “Differentiation” (when they realized that they are world apart) in order to reach 3) “Mutuality” (when two of them come together in oneness)[ix].

Conflicts are part of all marriage, and overcoming it is the process that leads to intimacy. But unresolved conflicts, getting stuck in “Differentiation” will lead to deterioration.

Conflicts also are not easy to resolve. Whatever the cause for the conflict, we notice that sweet words (“my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one”) can’t change the situation now.[x]


{1B. POSSIBLE UN-RESOLUTIONS (v. 3/4 - 6)}
And so what will happen when conflicts in relationship left un-resolved? It will cause the relationship to slowly rot its way to death.

Some people are more proactive in conflicts, like the man here “thrust his hand through the latch-opening” of the door. Others might be more passive, “my lover had left; he was gone”. Sometimes it explodes as verbal arguments or physical abuses, even end up in divorces, even murders. But most of the times, it implodes in the forms of withdrawals, silence treatments, or even as just a fleeting thought, “I wish I was not married, or married to someone else…”

There was a movie with Bruce Willis about a marriage unraveling in painful disappointment. In one scene Willis’ says “No matter what we went through, I knew we’d be alright if at the end of the day, we could just find each other’s feet under the covers.” Then one day, we see the perspective just from their feet, when he reaches his foot over she moves them away. And the effect is devastating. At that moment of the movie, it seems as if there is no hope for them.[xi]

Relationship problem is like cancer, it is easier for us to wish it go away, but if we won’t deal with it, it will cause death.

{1C. POSSIBLE PAINS (v. 7)}

And just like cancer, there will be anguish pain to call our attention to what was going on in our relationship. At first, the girl refuses to see her husband, but later on she changed her heart.[xii]

6b My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.

Isolation and loneliness are hurtful feelings. In conflicts, we might wish to return to our old state of singleness. But we will realize that, it is not a place to be. If we were content in loneliness, we wouldn’t need to be in relationship in the first place. “It is not good for the man to be alone”.

In relationship problem you will find yourselves in situation far worse than where you were single. Here’s the comparison with what had happened before:

7 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls!

Remember the first time she was without her lover and met the “watchmen” in chapter 3? They were neutral. This time same situation: she was without her lover but there was very bad consequence followed. I doubted that any real watchmen would dare to beat up the queen. But since the watchmen job was to protect the city, I took this as figure-of-speech about her consciences. The watchmen’s punishment of her could symbolize the pain of separation brought about through her selfishness and the dream dramatized her need of the lover for her well-being and protection.[xiii]

So here are the principles we learned so far: 1) All relationship have conflicts. 2) Conflict disrupts relationship and hurts us deeply. 3) But when we over come conflict, our relationship would grow more into oneness.

Marriage experts like John Gottman have said that most enduring marriages are simply expressions where both partners continue to turn back toward each other.[xiv]


{2. HUMILITY PRECEDED HELP (v. 8-9)}

But to “turn back” means to be humble. Earlier we saw the girl had a change of heart. She was humble enough to initiate the reconciliation and search for him. But her effort failed. Humility enabled her to seek help for her marriage, even from other people:

8 O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you— if you find my lover, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love. 9 How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you charge us so?

The wife asks for help to reconcile. The last time she said “I am faint with love” (cf. 2:5-6) it was followed with “his left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me”; he was holding her. So now she expressed that she wanted his embrace[xv]: “I want him to hold me!”

This is a willingness to be vulnerable and humble. Unfortunately in our Asian culture there is too much pride! We want to save face, and often we keep relationship problem a secret; refuse to get any help for our marriage until it’s irreparable! I believe the greatest mistake couples make in their marriages is trying to do it alone. The Marriage Builders group was such a blessing for us. And believe me, it’s a lot easier to struggle through issues when we can have other people to pray for us, to guide us through the road.

Here we see the helpers asked back “Why do you want this man? What is so great about him?”[xvi] It seems to be a very simple question, but it brings resolution to the whole situation.


{3. STEPS TO SOLID GROUND}
{3A. REFOCUS AND RENEWAL (v.10-16)}

The question caused the girl to reflect back about the qualities of her groom:

10 My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand.11 His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven.12 His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels.13 His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.14 His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires.15 His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars.16 His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.

We won’t have enough time to break down each of the groom’s qualities here, but the comparisons illustrate his value and attractiveness to her more than giving us a picture of his actual physical appearance.[xvii] For instance, “His head” was not the color of gold, but was as valuable as gold.[xviii] Or you can see her admired his leadership as “outstanding [chief] among ten thousand”.

A man was talking to his therapist about divorcing his wife. The therapist suggested that he treat his wife as a goddess for a while first; that way the divorce would hurt her even more. A few weeks later, the therapist asked his client about the divorce, he answered, “Why would I want to divorce her? I am so lucky to marry to a goddess like her!”

Obviously no person is flawless, but by refocus on the good quality of the spouse instead of the bad one, our perspective could change. By the end, she concluded:

This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.

“Friend”! You hear that! And even they have not been reconciled to one another yet.

{3B. INSPIRED TO INITIATE (6:1-2)}
Her friends then asked the next question:

1 Where has your lover gone, most beautiful of women? Which way did your lover turn, that we may look for him with you?
2 My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse (shepherding) in the gardens and to gather lilies.

Just a few stanzas above, the girl went out to look for her husband, got lost and couldn’t find him. Now, she was able to pinpoint that he was in his garden where spices and lilies were growing. This indicated that their separation was more in the emotional realm than in the spatial for she apparently had always known his whereabouts[xix]. Perhaps having recounted her love for her husband, the Shulammite now knew where to find him because she also recounted her familiarity with his ways. The garden could be his hobby or study, or could be his physical gardens[xx] but I think more likely the garden could be his work, his responsibility as the king of Israel. The flock is the people; and the lilies represent the produce of the land.[xxi]

What’s different now compared to before? It was the same conflict; they haven’t gotten together yet. What’s different now is that she was inspired and able to see what she had always knew before. What cause that inspiration? It’s the humility when we are willing to lay our pride down and to obey God in every area of our life.

Friends, let me spell this out clearly to you.

I am not presenting to you some gimmicks to romance one another. And don’t take these steps as mere conflict resolution process for your relationship. Only your humility toward God, to follow His guidance will bring you the inspiration and the insight needed to initiate. The biggest enemy in your marriage is yourself. Pride will keep asking “Why do I have to be the first one to change?” Pride will keep you focus on the bad side of your spouse, will fuel complaints and naggings. Pride will always love itself more. Pride will keep conflict in stalemate, and pride will eventually choke love to death.


{3C. FROM POSSESSION TO SUBMISSION (v. 3)}
Without pride, we can go from possession to submission. Notice the next line:

3 I am my lover’s and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies.

Isn’t it familiar? We heard it before in chapter 2 when they were still dating. But this time it’s in the reversed order and no longer “my lover is mine and I am his” (v.2:16a). In the first instance “my lover is mine”, it’s a possessive statement: “I’ve got myself a good catch!” Now the statement become: “I am, and I will be a good catch for him”. Mutual submission is what God called us to in marriage for both wife and husband: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph.5:21-22, 25)

Here the bride not only willing to express her initiation because she belongs to him (“I am my lover’s”); she also believes that he is also willing[xxii] to “gave himself up for her” (“my lover is mine”). Mutual submission to each other “out of reverence for Christ” is the key to build, to sustain, and to restore relationship.

Studies shown that “80% of the relationships in which couples were living together without marriage vows end in separation. Sixty percent of those who are married by a justice of the peace are divorced later. Forty percent of those who are married in churches eventually divorce. And those who read their Bibles together daily [not just professing church goers, mind you] divorce only at the rate of 1 out of 1,050![xxiii] Do you need more proof that couple who mutually submit themselves to God will have a more lasting marriage?


{3D. LET FORGIVENESS FLOW (v.4-7)}

Now, knowing where to find her husband, it is naturally for them to encounter each other again. What did he say to her when they meet? Take a look at the next few verses. This is the voice of the groom:

4 You are beautiful, my darling, as Tirzah {a lovely city in the North[xxiv]}, lovely as Jerusalem {the perfect capital of the South}, majestic as troops with banners.5 Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead.6 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing. Each has its twin, not one of them is alone.7 Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate.

The most amazing thing here is he didn’t even mention what happened. If forgive is forget, then he responded to her as if nothing was ever happened! By using some of the same flattering comparisons he had employed on their wedding night, he assured her that his love for her had not diminished since then.[xxv]

Since we are all flawed people learning to live with one another, forgiveness is the mechanism to recognize our flaws and accept one another. Forgiveness helps us lay down our lives for our mates. Forgiveness holds the [marriage] together[xxvi].

{3E. RE-COMMIT (v. 8-10)}
But forgiveness alone is not enough. Forgiveness may heal the past, but commitment gives strengths for the future. Here Solomon says that she alone is special compared to all other women[xxvii] of the court:

8 Sixty queens there may be, and eighty concubines, and virgins beyond number;9 but my dove, my perfect one, is unique, the only daughter of her mother, the favorite of the one who bore her. The maidens saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines praised her.

How did they praise her? This is how the other women of the court praised her:

10 Who is this that appears like the dawn, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, majestic as the stars in procession?

One of the problems I had in the study of Song of Songs is the problem of Solomon’s polygamy. After all, isn’t that hypocritical to hold a “moral high ground” of one man and one woman when Solomon himself had at least 60 wives so far at this point? While we’re at it, let’s remind ourselves that David was also a murderer and we prayed his Psalm. No! The flawed authors in the Bible never “pretend” to be on a “moral high ground”, what they do, was following God’s inspiration to recognize that we are “called” to a “moral high ground” according to the grace and the will of God!

Many of us are not willing to commit publicly for fear of failure, or fear of being a hypocrite. We are comfortable with just seeking forgiveness and acceptance by telling our mate, “This is what I am”. But we also need to be willing to make our commitment visible. Tell your mate: “This is what I am called to be!” and he/she will keep you accountable! It will be hard to get somewhere together if you are not willing to state a common goal.


{4. RECONCILED RESULTS (v.11-13)}

We have briefly touches on the steps the couple took to overcome their conflict: a) They were Refocused and Renewed in love for one another (v.10-16); b) They were Inspired to Initiate (6:1-2); c) They went from mutual Possession to mutual Submission (v. 3); d) They forgave (v.4-7); and e) They Re-committed to one another (v8-10) Now we see the results of their efforts: The relationship was restored, and they rejoiced in it.

{4A. RELATIONSHIP RESTORED (v.11-12)}
It is unclear if the bride or the groom who said this:

11 I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom.12 Before I realized it, my desire set me among the royal chariots of my people.

But they are probably the Shulammite’s words. She had gone down to Solomon’s garden. Immediately because of his affirmation of his love she felt elevated in her spirit,[xxviii] and now he swept her up in his royal chariot before all to see.


{4B. RELATIONSHIP REJOICED (v.13)}
As she rode out of the garden in a chariot with Solomon, the people they passed called out to her to come back so they might look on her beauty longer[xxix].

13 Come back, come back, O Shulammite; [Shulammite = female form of the word Solomon. This is another indicator that they are reconciled back in love]
come back, come back, that we may gaze on you!

However, Solomon answered them:

Why would you gaze on the Shulammite as on the dance of Mahanaim?

Perhaps he was referring to a celebration held at that town that drew a specially large crowd of onlookers. However, we don’t have any more info on it.[xxx] But whatever “the dance of Mahanaim” meant, the meaning of the sentence was clear, that Solomon wanted some time in private with his bride so that they can enjoy their relationship intimately.


{CONCLUSION AND INVITATION TO COMMUNION}
As our study for this week comes to an end, the violins would play again, the curtain would drop. However, we know better now. The final words won’t say, “And they lived happily ever after” but rather “To be continued.”

Relationship is a continual process of turning back to each other. But before we can successfully continually turn back to one another, we must continually turn back to God first.

It is interesting that the word “communion” (com=together, unus=oneness)[xxxi] has only two contexts: In marriage it is used to describe “the sharing of intimate thoughts and feelings”. In church the same word is used for “partaking of the Eucharist”[xxxii].

And so I invite you to come before our Lord, and to resolve any conflict you have in the relationship with Him first, so that He can sustain your relationship with others. Once again, I invite you to Refocus on what He have done for you, to Renew your love Him; to receive His inspiration, to initiate His way in your daily life. I invite you to move from just your possession of Jesus to your submission to Him. Let His forgiveness cleanse your sins and tell him your re-commitment. May God be restored in our relationship, so that we will rejoice in it.

This is the Word of God for you and for me today.